Stop Over-Apologizing

How often in any given week do you say “I’m sorry” when you haven’t actually done something wrong? It’s an automatic reaction for many. And while it may be intended as a genuine attempt to show respect, over-apologizing isn’t always productive. Think about all the times you have said:

“I’m sorry to bother you, but…”; “Sorry I didn’t hear you.”; “I’m sorry but this isn’t what I ordered.”

Or those times when you apologize on someone else’s behalf, “I’m sorry, they’re not usually like this”

 

Over-apologizing can be a sign of low self-esteem, fear of conflict or criticism, or poor boundaries. When you apologize unnecessarily…

  • People may lose respect for you

  • It lessens the sincerity of future apologies

  • It can be seen as a sign of insecurity, self-doubt or low self-esteem

  • It comes across as annoying

  • It can be an indicator that you rely on external validation from others

 

All this to say that there are appropriate times to apologize. When you are genuinely sorry for your behavior AND you plan on doing the work so that you do not repeat whatever you did. It’s an opportunity to take accountability and “own” any mistakes or wrongdoing.

 

WHEN TO APOLOGIZE:

  • You've crossed a boundary

  • You become aware that someone felt hurt by you (whether it is intentional or not)

  • You were mistaken or wrong about something

 

The best apology is when you take responsibility, express specifically what you regret or have remorse about, repair what you can, and make changes so it doesn’t happen again.

 

WHEN an APOLOGY IS NOT NECESSARY:

  • For things you can’t control

  • For things you didn’t do

  • Asking for something or if someone is annoyed by being ‘bothered’/inconvenienced

  • Expressing your beliefs or Asserting yourself

  • Being different… or just for “being”

  • Disappointing others

  • For your emotions

  • For having wants or needs

  • Not having all the answers; for having flaws

  • To avoid disapproval or someone else causing a scene

  • For something you have no motivation or intention of stopping

Instead of habitually apologizing, look deeply into what an apology means to you. Respond in a way that feels true to the situation. Instead of saying “I’m sorry, consider rephrasing with statements like:

  • I have a question

  • Thank you for understanding/listening/being patient

  • I have a different thought about that; I’d like to add/suggest/expand

  • Thank you for catching that

  • Thank you for waiting for me, I was running behind

  • Unfortunately, this isn’t what I ordered/asked for

  • Excuse me, I need to …

Heather Kassman