Speak Up
No one sets out to be walked all over or ignored. Yet many people regularly put other’s needs before their own. We’ve all done it – said yes to something we didn’t really want to do; or stayed quiet when something was bothering us.
CAN YOU RELATE?
· Do you often find yourself secretly upset or resentful?
· Do you complain without trying change the circumstances?
· Do you habitually give to others without receiving?
· Do you look down, uncomfortably shift your body or speak softly when making a request?
Staying quiet may have certain perks. You avoid conflict, or might even be ‘the hero’ for accepting a task (even though you really didn’t want to do it).
WHAT HOLDS YOU BACK FROM SPEAKING UP?
o Not knowing what you want. Not in the habit of checking in with yourself.
o Not comfortable taking risks or disagreeing with others.
o Nervous about backlash or being judged and criticized by others.
o Choosing aggression over self-advocating is easier.
o Fear of damaging relationships.
People who are passive – withholding their thoughts and wishes – generally don’t get their basic needs met. They end up feeling unappreciated, frustrated and unseen.
Aggressiveness is often mistaken for assertiveness. Acting aggressively is more like bullying, losing control of emotions, and resorting to put-downs in order to be heard. Interestingly, aggression frequently leads to feeling cut off from others because the steamroller approach is off-putting.
Being assertive is about letting others know what you need and how you feel, in a thoughtful, confident manner. It’s not self-righteous or defensive. It takes practice and is worth the effort.
MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN… RESPECTFULLY
§ Value yourself. Instead hiding behind a screen or leaning on someone else, get comfortable in your own skin. You’ll better advocate for yourself when you’re appreciative of who you are.
§ Understand your emotions in the moment. If they are overwhelming, wait until you can express yourself in a more balanced way.
§ Consider where the other person is coming from. Are they open to hearing you right now?
§ Start with something positive. “Thanks for hearing me out” “I value our relationship”.
§ Be brief, specific and direct about your expectations, needs and boundaries.
§ Use “I” statement, without apologies or justifying yourself. “I noticed. I felt. I need. I request”.
§ Assess reactions. If they are not positive, check in with the other person. Encourage dialogue.
Your voice is important. If you find it getting lost in relationships, at work, and in everyday situations, make an effort to change this pattern. Value yourself enough to practice speaking up.