You Make Me Feel

YOU MAKE ME FEEL!

“He makes me feel stupid!” “Can’t she tell that her words make me feel inadequate?” “You make me so angry!” We’ve all said these words (or similar), when emotions are high and we are reacting to another person’s behaviors. But really, can someone actually MAKE us feel a certain way? Are we innocent bystanders to another person manipulating our emotions? I don’t think so.

When you say that another person MAKES you feel…, you give up ownership of your emotions and thrust it onto someone else. The fact is, no one can make you feel anything. They may do something that ‘triggers’ you and certain emotions, but it’s essentially your own beliefs and expectations that influence how you feel about a situation or person. This is great news! This means that we have control of our feelings – even though it doesn’t always feel that way.

Saying that someone “makes you feel” can be harmful in a few ways.

·      It sounds accusatory and blaming

·      It invites hurt feelings, defensiveness and arguments

·      It implies you are a helpless victim, stripping you of any power over your feelings

·      It ignores your own thoughts and beliefs that are behind the emotions

·      It takes focus off of self-reflection and understanding yourself and puts it on someone else

Compare, “I feel sad” vs “You make me sad”. Notice the difference?  While it’s important and healthy to share how you feel with others. The way in which you do it could affect the outcome.

WHEN COMMUNICATING YOUR FEELINGS…

1.     First, look inward and identify what you are feeling.

2.     If the situation feels vulnerable or you feel hesitant to share, wait until it feels safer or you feel more grounded and confident.

3.     Consider how you can best be heard without the other person feeling blamed or defensive. Are you clear on what you want to say; are there distractions; is the other person open to listening?

4.     Start with context. It could be an observation of something that was said or done, like “I noticed you have thrown out the last 5 dinners I made.” Do not add judgement or interpretation. Just name what you observe (what a video might capture).

5.     Next, begin with “I feel…” “I felt…” or “I have been feeling…”

6.     Fill in the blank with one or two relevant emotions, without using the words ‘you’ or ‘make’. “I feel confused/angry/sad/unappreciated”. It’s a powerful statement of owning your feelings. And it does not give the other person a suggestion that they can control how you feel.

It’s fine to acknowledge that what someone says or does triggers something inside of you. Just be careful to not hand over the ‘joystick’ by saying they can control the thoughts and beliefs behind those feelings.

Instead, explore what is truly coming up for you and think about what you need, based on the feelings that have surfaced. You might choose to make a request from the other person related to what’s been triggered. Or, you might see a way to change the situation on your own – a way that is empowering and completely within your control.