You Can't Change Someone Else
A common thing I hear from clients is, “If s/he would just…”, followed by a suggestion on how someone else in their life needs to change. We all have ideas of how others can ‘improve’. Whether it’s because they are struggling with a problem, are making ‘bad decisions’, or there is just something about them that bugs you – you may believe you’ve got some insight to help.
SO, how do you get someone to change? The short answer is, you don’t. When you appoint yourself to the role of trying to “fix” or “rescue” someone, you risk:
pestering and giving unwanted feedback that takes a toll on relationships
being seen as controlling, judgmental, or condescending
becoming increasingly resentful when they don’t change
taking away their accountability and an opportunity for them to manage their own life
Not everyone wants to change. Think about how you might feel if someone told you that you needed to be different in order to be a better person. It would likely feel hurtful or manipulative. People need to learn to make their own decisions and mistakes, and deal with the consequences of their choices.
You may think you’re helping by offering advice, suggestions or ongoing feedback, but chances are, you’re not. In fact, trying to get another person to change usually heightens their defenses and leads them to believe that YOU are the one who needs to change!
INSTEAD TO TRYING TO CHANGE SOMEONE …
Acknowledge that you don’t always know what’s best for another person
Ask yourself
what triggers me about this person’s attitude, behavior, or situation?
is this my issue to solve? If so, who gave me that power?
is this something realistically in my control?
did they ask for my input or help?
do I fully understand this person or the situation?
am I projecting my opinions or perceptions onto them?
am I really helping or am I enabling helplessness?
Look at the positives in the other person, rather than fixating on what you want to change
Stop comparing them to yourself or others
Think about how they challenge you to see things differently – what can you learn?
Put yourself in their shoes. How do they view their life?
Ask questions that inspire them to reflect on their needs and what they want to focus on
Respect their choices
There are a few exceptions to consider. If someone’s safety and well-being (physical, emotional or mental health) are at risk, I strongly believe it’s okay to step in. It is never acceptable to be a silent bystander to someone being hurt or who is in severe pain.
If safety is not an issue, then take a step back. Your job is not to fix, rescue or alter another person. You can educate them, be a role model, and inspire them to change. IF they are interested in making changes, by all means, jump in and be supportive! Listen to what they want, without taking over.