Are You Doing All The Work?
I often hear clients comment, "Why do I have to do all the work in this relationship? It seems like I’m the only one putting time and effort into making things better.”
Most of us have been in some sort of one-sided relationship – whether it was with a friend, a family member or a partner - where you feel like you do most of the work and get very little in return. Not that relationships are about an exact 50-50 give and take. However, fairly equal contribution over time is important for a relationship to be healthy and sustainable. When one person is not contributing as much, resentments are likely to build.
POSSIBLE SIGNS OF ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIPS
You make all the plans – instigating time together, making arrangements, etc.
You make all the important decisions – putting you in a position to be blamed if things fall apart or go wrong.
You often drop everything for the other person – sacrificing your own plans & priorities
The other person flakes out on plans with you to do other things at the last minute
The other person ignores your phone calls or texts (assuming you’re not constantly messaging)
You feel like a burden asking them to help out or show support
You seek validation or recognition of your worth because they do not let you know very often
You invite them to be part of your life but they do not do the same for you
Your resentment is growing – it seems like you can only see the negative & none of the positive
The other person is unreliable & inconsistent – indicating they are less likely to be committed to the relationship
You worry that if you stop putting in the work, the relationship will crumble or end
You feel alone in the relationship. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier if they weren’t there - then you wouldn’t be disappointed by their lack of involvement
If you find yourself regularly trying to salvage your relationship, take notice. It needs to be a choice by BOTH people to contribute in some way to a relationship. If you are coercing or giving ultimatums, this is a warning sign.
When one person puts more energy into a relationship to keep it going, it’s difficult to hold the other person accountable because they’ve never been asked to take a stronger role. It’s healthy to state your needs and expectations in a relationship. This opens up conversations for both people to voice what is possible and what feels like too much.
Each individual is responsible for their own behavior. If one person is constantly trying to manage all parts of the relationship, you risk being in a codependent or a controlling relationship, which typically results in bigger problems down the line.
Ideally, each person puts enough into the mix so that the other feels like the relationship has worth and each person feels valued. Relationships require energy, but they need to also provide energy.