Gaslighting - What is it Really?

Lots of people are talking about the term “gaslighting” recently; looking for a definition and better understanding so they can assess their interactions with others. However, some are using the term casually in conversations, often missing the true nature of what it is.

Gaslighting is a FORM of emotional abuse. It is a PATTERN of intentional behaviors designed to make someone to doubt their own reality, thoughts, memories or experiences. It happens in dating, long-term relationships, at work, in friendships and even within families.

The term “gaslighting” originated from a 1938 play called Gas Light and subsequent film adaptations, where a woman’s husband slowly manipulates her into believing that she is going crazy. It shows how someone can gradually lead you to question your own judgment, feelings and perceptions.

Emotional abuse is more subtle than mental abuse (which is more public and obvious). And there are many forms of emotional abuse, including gaslighting. In order for a behavior to be regarded as gaslighting, it needs to be repeated, and involves a pattern of abusive behaviors with the intent to control another person.

SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING – WHEN SOMEONE REPEATEDLY…

·      Denies that something happened, when it really did happen

·      Plants seeds of self-doubt

·      Minimizes your experience by saying you’re oversensitive or making a big deal out of nothing

·      Deflects responsibility, saying you should have known better or known they’d behave this way

·      Blatantly lies and does not back down from their story, even if evidence says otherwise

·      Blames you for misinterpreting a situation

·      Interacts in a way that leads you to feel confused, inadequate, unreasonable, apologetic

·      Refuses to discuss something, resulting in you feeling more anxious and cautious

·      Gradually isolates you from friends and family who might validate or affirm you

·      Tries to convince others that you are unstable - discredits you publicly

·      Switches to kindness in order to smooth over a situation, causing you to doubt that the situation is unsafe or that your gut sense is wrong

If any of this rings true for you, pay closer attention to the signs so that you can get the kind of support that would be most helpful.

–      Listen to your gut. When you get an “uh-oh” feeling or sense that something is off, observe it. Do not dismiss tension in the pit of your stomach or feeling uneasy.

–      Save relevant messages, texts, emails and photos. Make notes right after an event. Do not show the other person. This is for you to verify what you experienced.

–      Notice their actions, not just their words. Words can quickly muddle our gut sense. Instead, take note of what you see, their behaviors, and what patterns of responses/words you observe.

–      Check in with a trusted person who knows you well. What have they noticed about you recently? How do they respond when you share your experience of a situation?

You are not to blame in any circumstances of emotional abuse. The person who is gaslighting, or using any other form of abuse is making a choice. They are responsible for their behaviors. If you, or someone you know needs support in an emotionally abusive relationship, do not hesitate to reach out for support from a professional.