One-Sided Friendships
ONE-SIDED FRIENDSHIPS ARE CHALLENGING!
The pandemic has been tough on friendships. Most social outlets were shut down; work friends worked from home, there was no connecting with folks at the gym, and going to a show or happy hour became a thing of the past. Now that things are opening up a bit more, many of my clients are reassessing whether they want to pick up where they left off with some of their friends.
The realization that some friendships are one-sided can be difficult. They just don’t feel ‘right’, and yet it’s not always clear why it feels that way. Quite often the ‘give and take’ just isn’t there. Meaning, both people contributing equally to the relationship.
SIGNS OF A ONE-SIDED FRIENDSHIP
· It’s all about them - their needs, interests, preferences, and priorities. When you ask how they are, they share extensively about themselves, without asking about you. OR, if you do share, the conversation quickly turns back to themselves. They do most of the talking.
· They only call when they need a favor, OR are upset and need a fill-in therapist or cheerleader.
· They are unreliable – not showing up on time, canceling last minute, not returning calls/texts.
· You have to make the plans if you want to see them. They rarely invite/include you.
· You feel unappreciated, unsupported, left out or unimportant to them.
· The friendship feels like work – sometimes exhausting, sometimes empty, but NOT uplifting.
Friendships aren’t automatically easy to maintain. Like any healthy relationship, they take effort.
HOW TO HOLD UP YOUR END OF THINGS
o Be present. Even if it’s been a while since you’ve seen each other, send a text or call every once in a while. Show that they matter to you. Know what is going on in their lives.
o Be reliable. Try not to cancel plans or always be late. Show that you value your time together.
o Make time. Everyone is busy. Make an effort to prioritize friendships by carving out the time. Replace some of your screen time by connecting with friends.
o Accept that friendships change. While your time together might look different, if there is still a core bond holding you together, be open to rolling with the changes.
Know when it is time to end the friendship. If you’ve helped them move, supported them through conflicts and difficulties, worked hard to keep the friendship alive – without reciprocation – it might be time to move on. You don’t have to cut out every person who needs a bit of space or takes a few days to respond to a text. However, if that is the norm, and the thread that held you together seems frayed, take a step back. Not all friendships are forever.
If you haven’t reached out to your friends for a while, it’s not too late. Go do it now! Let someone know you are thinking of them. And if you need to apologize for being absent for longer than intended, own up to it.