In Times of Potential Conflict
Conflict is inevitable – with friends, family, work or people you don’t know that well. It can happen at any time, and in the midst of a pandemic, the likelihood is even greater. Conflicts trigger our deepest emotions, and responses can vary, including: blaming, ignoring, chronic bickering, giving the silent treatment, belittling or verbal abuse. Researchers have categorized conflict into five Conflict Styles…
Avoiding - pretending nothing is wrong, shutting down, hiding, or ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room.
Accommodating – giving in to others by accepting their point of view even if you disagree. Placing the importance of peace or the relationship above speaking your mind.
Competing – standing your ground and aiming to “win” the battle. My way is the right way.
Compromising – agreeing to negotiate big issues and let the smaller ones go. Every gives a little.
Collaborating – shared listening to understand, discussing, and working toward a mutually agreeable resolution. The relationship and both perspectives are important.
If you notice that conflicts with a specific person, or in certain situations keep arising – rather than pointing the finger right away, it might be helpful to look at your own conflict style. Do you run away? Do you outwardly agree even though you inwardly disagree? Do you push your opinions? How much are you truly hearing and taking into consideration from the other person?
STEPS TO CONSIDER DURING CONFLICT
Pay attention to the intentions. Listen without assuming it’s an attack.
Resist the urge to lash out.
Appeal to the other person’s “best self”.
Acknowledge that there might be more than one perspective.
Honor all emotions that are present (I you and them).
Avoid trying to solve things right away. Listen with interest and curiosity.
Make objective observations with as little judgement as possible.
Proceed as if a positive outcome is possible.
Note if things are at a standstill. It’s okay to stop or take a break to prevent irreversible damage.
Agree that there is conflict. Identify each person’s emotions and needs behind it.
Set a goal to find a positive solution. It may take some creativity and several tries.
Understand that even if you master these steps, there will still be conflict in the future. However, conflict often results in improved relationships, innovative outcomes, and deepened insights. So, there is no need to fear it. We all have important views and perspectives. Imagine if we could all remain open to seeing things from different angles!
If you are struggling with conflict on top of managing the stress that comes with COVID-19, remember that you do not need to do it alone. Distance counseling is available (by phone or video). Reach out and get support.