When "Shoulds" Rule Your World

Think about the past two weeks and all the decisions you faced or made - what to eat, what to do, who to talk to, or how to respond to something. Chances are, you encountered the struggle between “what I should do” and “what I want to do”. And it would not surprise me if you went with the “shoulds/have to’s”; ignoring the wants/gets to. Or if the struggle paralyzed you into a defeated “I don’t know”.

 

Should is filled with external pressures. Shoulds are how others want you to show up, or how others believe you are supposed to think and behave. Shoulds are born out of messages from society, family, and peers. We pay attention to shoulds because they seem to be indicators of whether we have good judgment, morals, and decision-making abilities.

 

COMMON SHOULDs

  • I should be able to do more (despite being exhausted at the end of the day)

  • I should feel happy with what I have (my feelings aren’t important)

  • I should be doing better (even though I work hard and have little guidance)

  • I should stay in this relationship (we’ve got such a long history together)

  • I should call my friend (even though she never calls me and we only talk about her)

  • I should be grateful for this job (it doesn’t matter that I am underpaid and unhappy)

 

Choosing what you want over the shoulds can be difficult and scary.

 

SIGNS that YOUR LIFE IS FULL OF SHOULDs

  • Many of your decisions feel like obligations

  • You fulfill others’ wishes more than listening to your own

  • Procrastinating happens daily

  • The pressure of what others expect weighs greatly on you

  • You have difficulty making decisions – not knowing what you really want

  • You experience feelings of ‘guilt’ for going against what others suggest or want

  • It feels like you are not living true to yourself

 

“Wants” reflect who you are and what you believe, when you genuinely tune into yourself. They are things that you are excited about. Wants are what arise when you listen from within.

 

HOW TO CONNECT WITH YOUR WANTs

  • Explore which voices are loudest in your head –parents, partner, friends?  Or is it truly your own? 

  • Know what you value – do your activities, relationships & decisions correspond with your values? 

  • Understand what motivates you– if your reasons feel good and match what drives you, you’re probably listening to your wants. “I want to exercise because it helps me de-stress.” “I want to decline that invite in order to have a nice quiet evening with my partner”.

  • Ask yourself, “what am I afraid of?” when choosing something that feels like an obligation over what calls to you. Challenge those fears, using facts. You can usually survive what you fear.

 

Experiment with choosing what you want versus what you think you should do. I’m not asking you to eliminate all responsibilities or to go against all expectations from others. Find a balance that feels good. It matters what you think, feel & want. And it’s empowering to live your life honoring what calls to you!

 

ArticlesHeather Kassman