It's Really Not About You
Clients frequently ask, “Why would someone behave this way?”, “How can someone be so mean?”, “What can I do when someone lashes out at me?” More and more, it’s easy to see mean, disrespectful and hurtful ways others behave on a fairly regular basis. There’s a good chance you have been on the receiving end of someone’s strong emotions, even when it had nothing to do with you. This can be confusing and draining as you try to figure out how to justify or explain another person’s feelings. You may spend the next few hours or days walking around delicately, worried that you might “set them off” again!
It’s not always someone’s conscious decision to purposely lash out and hurt you. In fact, there’s a good chance that it has ZERO to do with you and more to do with their own internal struggles.
While daily frustrations are undoubtedly part of what’s going on, there are other considerations:
Low self-esteem – how someone treats others could be mirroring how they feel about themselves. Rather than address this directly, they belittle others in order to feel strong or better than.
Personal stressors - there are times when stress & anger lead someone to strike out. While they may feel overwhelmed and barley holding it together, it doesn’t make it okay.
Learned behavior – some people model what their parents or other influential individuals do.
Mental Health issues – there are mental health disorders that include mood swings, anger, irritability & lack of empathy. This does not excuse hurtful behavior. There is still a personal choice in seeking treatment and learning how to manage those emotions.
Emotional immaturity – some people lack awareness or a depth of understanding about their emotions and are incapable of communicating in emotionally appropriate ways. This is also not an excuse. They still have a choice to seek help.
So, just because you may understand some reasons people are rude or hurtful, it does not mean you have to tolerate it. Even more importantly, you do not need to take it personally! Another person’s disrespect or meanness is not your fault. While you cannot control their emotions or expression of those emotions, you can take responsibility for your reactions to them.
HOW TO RESPOND
Don’t take it personally – if it honestly has nothing to do with you, or you are wrongly accused, let the person be responsible for their own thoughts & emotions. You do not need to figure it out or do something to make things better.
Pause, breathe and reflect – “it seems like you’re feeling upset.”
Set boundaries using facts – do not engage with emotions. “Please don’t call me names.”
Be kind in return – without being disingenuous or sarcastic, smile or respond gently, “I hope your day gets better.”
Walk away – there is no need to remain engaged in a conversation with someone who does not care about how their actions affect you. Take a break. Leave them to themselves.