We Need to Talk...
Emotions these days are heightened over many topics: COVID restrictions & protection, best approaches for schools & work, treatment of people of color, views on protesting, law enforcement roles & responsibilities, politics, environmental concerns, the economy, etc. It’s a LOT! You may not always agree with friends or family on every issue … let alone with your neighbor or coworker.
So, how do you have a conversation about difficult topics without fueling the conflict, and while staying true to your opinion? Conversations that involve delicate or controversial subjects, criticism, or talking about something that needs to change, can be uncomfortable depending on who is involved. Avoiding these difficult conversations can result in resentment, hurtful behaviors, and damage to relationships.
Therapist Esther Perel coined the phrase “responsible honesty”. Meaning, when something happens that you disagree with or find overtly disrespectful & hurtful, you have a responsibility to speak up.
HOW TO ADDRESS DIFFICULT ISSUES - Plan your approach when possible. If you react solely based on the emotions you feel, you’re likely to do or say something hurtful.
Address issues sooner than later. The longer you put it off, the more pent up emotion there is.
Know your purpose. What is the goal of the conversation? What outcome do you hope for?
Begin from a place of respect and open-mindedness. Check your assumptions about the other person’s intentions or perspective.
Consider your emotions as well as how the other person might be feeling.
Be curious and willing to learn. Attempt to reach understanding.
Avoid blaming, accusing, insults or threats. This will escalate things or shut them down.
Listen to their words rather than planning your rebuttal. Do not interrupt. Ask for clarification if you are unsure what they are trying to convey.
Look at your part of the conflict and take ownership of your view. Use “I feel” or “I am uncomfortable with”, rather than “you MAKE me feel” or “this is your fault”
Stick with the conversation and do not walk away. If things get heated, agree for a brief time-out to cool down, and then return with a goal of moving forward and not rehashing.
Trust that they have a decent side. If the conversation is worth having, then chances are they are not 100% “bad”.
You cannot control how another person will react to challenging conversations. Don’t let this stop you from having a voice. If you respectfully speak your mind and you are willing to listen to other’s views, you open up possibilities for greater understanding. You prevent bottled up emotions that may result in unhealthy outbursts later. And you can potentially strengthen important relationships, on a personal level, in your workplace, and even within your community.