Anger With A Smile

Most people have heard the term “passive-aggressive” and have even used the term to describe a family member, boss, or peer.  You know you’ve experienced a passive-aggressive person when someone triggers in you an uncomfortable or defensive response, but you can’t quite figure out why. 

Passive-aggression is when someone expresses feelings of anger or hurt in a deliberately masked or covert way. It’s an avoidance of direct confrontation and can be hard to spot because it is hidden behind a mixed message.  It is a quick way for someone to shut down a conversation or interaction.

SIGNS OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS

  • Making others wait – constantly late

  • Neglecting emails or text messages – refusal to communicate

  • Pouting

  • Being dismissive

  • Social media posts (songs, quotes, status or memes) aimed at others

  • Resistant to requests for help

  • Procrastination or sub-standard efforts as a way to get back at someone

  • Misplacing important items of others

  • Acting sullen in hopes of getting a response

  • Stubbornness

  • Sulking

  • Backhanded compliments

  • Silent treatment or avoidance

  • Subtle put-downs

  • Quiet manipulation of situations or people

  • Rationalizing their actions

  • Sarcasm used to avoid meaningful conversation

  • Minimizing

  • Guilt trips

  • Angling to get their way while appearing to be innocent of any wrong-doing 

Comments like “I’m not mad”, “Fine, whatever”, and “Just kidding” are classic ways someone denies their feelings rather than being honest. A passive-aggressive person is a pro at maintaining a calm demeanor and feigning surprise when someone gets fed up with their actions and loses it.

 

WHAT TO DO

  • Do not respond with anger. This keeps the person engaged, even if in a negative way.

  • Hold them accountable – name the behavior.

  • Know your vulnerabilities and protect yourself as much as possible.

  • Set boundaries – clarify what you will no longer tolerate.

  • Do not accept excuses for passive-aggressive behaviors.

  • Make direct requests and accept only direct responses.

  • Maintain distance. Walk away and ignore when possible.

  • Have a support system in place to help diffuse your own feelings of anger or frustration. 

It is typically not effective to point out passive-aggression to someone. This would likely be met with denial or turning it around to be you who is acting out of anger. While someone’s behaviors may get under your skin, it’s best to not engage or play the game.

ArticlesHeather Kassman