"Why?" Is a Dangerous Question
When something happens that leads to feeling hurt, disappointed, angry or confused, it’s natural to ask yourself “why?” We believe that if we could really understand what happened on the deepest, core level, then it will lead to solutions. We think that it will set us free so we can move on.
Why questions assume there is a cause. However, more often than not, they lead us down a path of self-judgment, resentment of others, or they turn our attention to the past – away from life right now.
Why didn’t I get that job?
Why did you leave me?
Why don’t I have more friends?
Why doesn’t s/he see I am hurting?
Why are you an alcoholic?
Why is this a big deal?
Why is s/he abusive?
Why did this happen?
Why do I feel this way?
Why me?
How many times have you asked “why” and the answer is simply “I don’t know” or “why not”? It’s because these questions are often unanswerable. Or there may be multiple answers, but none of them satisfy in a way that brings resolution or peace.
Why questions rarely have a “right” answer. And even if you or someone can come up with an answer, there’s a good chance you won’t believe it, you’ll think it’s an excuse, or it leads to a spiral of blame. It could also highlight the problem further if you realize there is very little you can do about the situation.
Asking “why?” is the ultimate distraction from actually facing a situation and doing something to accept or change it.
IF NOT “WHY”, THEN…
Start by being aware of how often you ask “why?”
Take a moment to explore what kind of answer you are hoping for
Ask yourself, does this question help me move forward?
Come up with alternative questions that lead to acceptance or change
Okay, now what?
How can I move past this?
What do I dislike that I want to change?
Why questions draw us to our limitations, stir up negative emotions, and trap us in our past. They stop us from either accepting what is or opening our minds to find solutions that lead to change.
Stop asking “why” and start asking “what” or “how”. These will help you to better understand yourself and your needs, and to see what’s possible.