Unhealthy Relationship Habits
There is something magical about romance, butterflies in the stomach, and being in love. Unfortunately, those initial feelings are not what sustain a relationship. If I had a dollar for every time a client said, “…but I love him/her!” while trying to figure out why the relationship is falling apart.
Many relationships have the potential to be saved if BOTH partners are aware of common toxic elements.
HABITS THAT HURT
Poor Listening – refusing to hear your partner’s point of view or make an effort to consider their perspective. Ask questions so that you can better understand where they’re coming from.
Making your Partner your “Everything” – this diminishes your individual life and sets the relationship up to be codependent. You do not need to be connected at the hip to be in love.
Keeping Score – tracking who helps or hurts the most. When you spend time feeling “owed” or feel obligated to be better than the other person, it becomes a competition where no one wins.
Expecting your Partner to Fix You – no one is responsible for your well-being. They can be supportive, but you are the only person who must do the work to improve yourself or feel better.
Making Assumptions – just because you’re partnered, it doesn’t mean you know EVERYTHING about how each other thinks or what the other person is going to do. Stop predicting.
Dropping Hints – it’s not realistic to believe the other person “should know” what you mean. Being vague, saying “you know what you did” or refusing to explain yourself is passive aggressive. Be clear if you have a need or want to be understood.
Expecting your Partner to Change – if you’ve been together for a while and are banking on the “potential” for them to change, you may be wasting your time. Some characteristics have been around longer than your relationship. Chances are they’re not going away.
Blaming how you Feel on your Partner – no one can MAKE you feel a certain way. You may not like their behaviors, but you ultimately choose how to feel and react. Address their behavior, without saying “when you _____ you MAKE me feel”. Own your feelings, address their actions.
Being Hypercritical – if you find fault or criticize more than appreciate, your partner may feel like they can do nothing right. If this is true you, consider whether you can live with these faults.
Fixating on Whether your Partner Loves you – this leads to being clingy, looking for clues that they will leave, or ‘testing’ them. It gets old quickly & may be what pushes them out the door.
There are many more toxic behaviors (inflexibility, ignoring self-care, reliving the past, cruelty, not speaking up, addictions, jealousy, lying, manipulating, etc.), and being in love does not make those destructive aspects vanish. If you want your relationship to last, in a healthy way, you both need to do the work. And if you really love each other, the work is worth it.