Find Your People
I maintain a common goal with clients based on my belief that everyone needs to have a minimum of five “supports” in their life, because on any given day, it’s likely that 3 of those 5 will fail you. They’ll be busy, sick, absent, dealing with their own stuff, or they may simply not know how to be supportive to you in that moment. Now, a support can range from anything from the person who knows all your secrets and would do anything for you – all the way to the person who you can call just to do something fun to get your mind off things.
A support system is made up of people who provide support, respect, and encouragement. Being with people who care about you is essential for your well-being. When things aren't going well, having outside support and reassurance can make all the difference in how you cope. If you try and go it alone, it can be an uphill battle. A lack of support can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, diminished confidence, a failure to cope, or confusion about your needs and goals.
EXCUSES TO BUILDING SUPPORT SYSTEMS
You think you don’t have time
You don’t know what to say
It’s been a long time since you’ve talked to them
It feels vulnerable
You believe they’ll be too busy
You feel like you’re bothering them
Building a support system happens at your own pace. Start by defining what you are looking for in someone who is supportive. Common qualities are:
They provide genuine, objective feedback when needed
They do not expect anything in return for their support
They can comfort and reassure you
You feel respected by them
There is trust between you
They are accepting of your quirks or flaws
They don’t believe you are an inconvenience
They do not judge or make fun of you
They are a positive influence in your life
They encourage you to feel good about yourself
Start with people you already know. They might be friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, or even an acquaintance. Think about people you see at your gym, church, library, or who are part of a group/organization that you belong to. Consider professionals like teachers, mentors, counselors, or clergy. Sometimes you need to think outside the box to notice potentially supportive people – they don’t have to be a BEST friend or someone you see all the time. Find people who truly SEE you.
Remember that a support system is not one-sided. Each person needs to take turns supporting the other in times of need. There is an ebb and flow of challenges in all our lives and therefore, a fluid level of support. If someone takes more than they offer – or if you feel drained after your interactions – this may not be the best match for your support system.
It’s summer. A good time to reach out and connect, or reconnect, with people. Take note of who your current supports are and whether you’d like to build that system.