How To Tell Someone They Hurt You
When someone is mean or hurtful, it stirs up all sorts of thoughts and emotions; from being in disbelief to feeling deep pain or outright fiery anger. Telling someone that they have hurt you can be incredibly difficult. Especially if you want to preserve that relationship.
We have all experienced a friend, family member or colleague being unkind. Sometimes it comes from a person who you know to be “toxic” and there is an understanding that they are not considering your well-being. In such cases, you may stand up for yourself, or ignore them, and move on. Other times, the hurt comes from someone you have a close relationship with. Their intentions may not have been purposefully malicious, but it is still very painful. This requires a more assertive approach of speaking up while also attempting to maintain the relationship.
When you don’t tell someone who you care about that they have hurt you, resentment builds up. And resentment quickly leads to damaged relationships…often permanently. Most people do not say something because they fear being misunderstood or that it will push the other person away.
IT IS OKAY TO FEEL HURT and IT IS OKAY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THEY HURT YOU.
Don’t assume someone knows they hurt you. We all perceive things differently.
Ask yourself if this relationship is important enough to try and work things out.
Check your intentions: Do you want them to feel bad or guilty? Is it to prove that they messed up? Is it to be hurtful back? If so, then the conversation will not be productive or helpful.
Choose your words carefully - know what you want to say. Be honest and straightforward.
Avoid blame, “You never think about my feelings”. Address how you’ve been affected, “I felt humiliated when you made that comment”. It’s the difference between wanting to fight or starting a conversation.
Focus on the present without dredging up past events. Stick to what is happening now.
Talk about how you feel and what you need, rather than dwelling on their flaws and mistakes.
Don’t try to change the other person. You can ask for what you need – this doesn’t obligate them to change or to respond in a certain way.
Be ready for ANY outcome. If you expect an apology or that they will acknowledge they were wrong, you might be disappointed. Do this for yourself, NOT for a specific response.
Know when to stop. If you keep trying to prove your point, and they disagree or turn it back on you in a hurtful way, there is no need to continue.
Telling someone that they have been hurtful takes a certain amount of courage. Be thoughtful in how you go about it. Come from a place of personal power – one that is respectful, clear, and without attachment to the outcome. Stand up for yourself in a way you can feel good about.