Are You Coming From Different Places?
When you commit to a relationship, there is often an expectation that your partner will share a similar level of thinking and feeling. As you reveal more personal insights with each other, there is excitement in those moments of deeper connection. Unfortunately, not all couples sustain that level of emotional depth and communication as the relationship progresses.
Couples often reach out in search of “better communication skills” when they begin to feel disengaged from each other. Usually this means they want a set of instructions or list of things to do, that will remedy their disconnect. Sometimes one partner craves more closeness while the other feels like they have already shared enough of themselves and don’t need to keep talking. This can lead to greater conflict.
PAY ATTENTION TO
Ongoing resentment or frustration with your partner (not related to anything in particular)
Minimizing your own emotional needs and focusing more on your partner’s
Withdrawing from your partner or the relationship altogether
Picking fights/arguments – perhaps as a way to get any sort of emotional engagement
Seeking emotional attachment and validation from others
Coming together on a more meaningful level goes beyond learning basic skills of communication. It requires each of you to do the work, both individually and as a couple. If one person in the couple is not willing to put in the effort, the health and longevity of the relationship may be at risk.
STEPS TO DEEPER CONNECTION WITH YOUR PARTNER
Work on your own self-awareness, individual core values and mental health – separate from the relationship. This reduces attempts to rescue, fix or manage each other
Be present with each other – remove distractions and give each other full attention regularly.
Care about each other’s needs, interests and goals – partnerships are not one-sided.
Trust that you can be vulnerable and still feel safe with each other – if you don’t, there are bigger issues that need to be addressed.
Communicate your fears, accomplishments, needs, resentments, dreams, questions and joys.
Value each other’s input – you both have something important to contribute.
Do not assume conflict is a personal attack. Be open to working through it together.
Actively work to show each other how you respect and value one another.
Support individuality – encourage your partner’s interests, friends and activities outside of your relationship. Being a couple does not mean you lose yourselves in the process.
Remember to have fun – enjoy your time together.