Why Me? It's Not Fair!
Most of us relate to feeling that we’ve been dealt a rotten hand and that there is nothing we can do about it. We blame someone else, believe we are cursed or a casualty of circumstances, and may even wonder whether karma has a part in things. When the world doesn’t respond according to what you want or expect, you feel cheated; raising feelings of anger, resentment or perhaps hopelessness.
As children, we learn quickly that life isn’t fair. Not always getting a choice in what you eat, how to dress, who your friends are, what your bedtime is… it seems like there are so many injustices! As you get older, that belief is validated further: being blamed for something you didn’t do, getting a poor grade despite long hours of studying, missing out on something fun because of money/ parental decisions/ someone leaving you out. And yet, we still hold onto that childhood belief that people get what they “deserve” - we expect the “good” to be rewarded and the “bad” punished.
If that were true, how do you explain losing out on something because another person cheated? Being stuck in traffic even though you left early? People who take care of their health, suddenly falling ill? Innocent, good-hearted people harmed by trauma, violence, or abuse? Feeling ignored even though you reach out and give others your attention?
We get caught up in pain and feeling a lack of control – how things “should” be, rather than how they are. Dwelling on unfairness won’t change your situation. It keeps you focused on the problems and not the solutions. You forget that you still have some choice and control.
TIME TO REFRAME YOUR THINKING
Start by identifying the beliefs that keep you stuck. Be aware of irrational views as they surface, such as: “I have a target on my back”, “This doesn’t happen to anyone else”, “There’s nothing I can do”, “Bad things ALWAYS happen to me”.
Examine the evidence. What proof do you have that it’s true? Separate facts from opinions and emotions (he did this vs. he is a jerk vs. he makes me so mad!) Observe the situation objectively.
Find the middle ground. Stay away from unbending All or Nothing words like “always, never, good, bad, everybody, nobody”. This helps moderate how huge things feel.
Acknowledge when something is difficult – don’t ignore it or try to shove it away. It’s okay to validate yourself when things are tough. THEN, turn your attention to how you will survive this.
Shift your focus to what choices you have and how you choose to respond.
Make peace with the fact that life is unpredictable. Check your perspective. How important will this be in a month, a year, or 5 years? If it’s going to affect you for a long while, CHOOSE how you want it to be a part of your life. Is this keeping you stuck or angry or sad - or can you work on becoming resilient, empowered, or learn to help others who are similarly affected?
Sometimes, no matter how you live your life, you won’t be recognized or rewarded. Sometimes you feel like the unfairness of life is too overwhelming. Remember that you have a choice to stay stuck in this belief, or to change your focus toward how you’d like to respond so you can move forward. Ask for help, get support. You are not alone in this world.