Stop Taking On Other People's Stuff
Are you carrying around something that doesn’t belong to you - maybe someone else’s pain, beliefs or problems? We learn early in life, from family members, not only how to tie our shoes; but we also pick up on their values, opinions, habits, and emotions. This continues with close friends and romantic partners – taking on their stresses, worries, and feelings.
It’s one thing to have your own issues and emotions. When you add another person’s issues and emotions to the pile, it can be overwhelming. While you might want to help someone who is hurting, you cannot “fix” or heal anyone except yourself. If you get in the habit of absorbing another’s emotions, it becomes difficult to tell which feelings are truly your own.
DO YOU FIND YOURSELF …?
Thinking, “s/he makes me feel _____________”
Feeling depleted or drained by other people needing you
Worrying about someone else’s problems
Experiencing someone’s emotions as strongly as if they were your own
Wondering why hardly anyone checks in on you or asks how you’re doing
These are signs that you may be giving away more energy to others than keeping for yourself. And the more you carry around other people’s ‘baggage’, or live your life through their filter, the more you lose sight of yourself. You can still care about someone without trying to resolve their issues or carry their concerns around for them.
LIGHTEN YOUR LOAD
Check-in with yourself regularly. Get in the habit every day of asking, “how am I feeling? What wants my awareness right now?”
Decipher whether those thoughts and feelings are yours or if they belong to someone else. If you notice that they belong to someone else, remind yourself that it’s not yours to hold onto, fix, or figure out. Their pain is not your pain.
Do something to detach yourself. Take a few deep breaths, step out for some fresh air, get a drink of cold water, pay attention to what your 5 senses are telling you about the world around YOU.
Return the other person’s emotions or problems to them – symbolically or simply in your imagination. You don’t need to alert them. Just imagine handing it back to them and relieving yourself of the responsibility.
Set an emotional boundary. Avoid joining their negativity, complaints, anxiety, or depression. You can still validate how they feel (using their words when possible) and let them know you care about them.
Offer reassurance such as, “you’re handling this well”, “I’m glad you connected with a professional for support”, “you’re _______ (resourceful, bright, resilient, etc.) and I know you’ll be okay.”
You may have gotten into a habit of allowing yourself to be distracted by other people’s moods – possibly as a way to avoid your own. This helps no one. In fact, it’s a disservice to yourself and those you care about. Let them have their ‘stuff’. Support them in feeling it, resolving it, and getting outside help when necessary. Then, do the same for yourself.