When Others' Input Matters
You get recognized for doing good work, you win an award, score the highest, receive compliments on your appearance, or someone “likes” your social media post… these are all examples of external validation. While getting affirmations from someone feels good and isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can become a problem when you rely primarily on the feedback of others. Similarly, if someone criticizes you or puts you down, and you beat yourself up with shame, anger or self-doubt – this sends the message that your self-worth is tied to other people’s input.
Research shows that all of us can be conditioned to respond to external validation. When we receive positive feedback from others, our brain releases dopamine (the feel-good chemical), and we crave it even more, like a drug, or junk food.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU…?
Believe that negative feedback reflects on your personal worth?
Experience anxiety when someone disagrees with you?
Feel rejected when someone criticizes something you have done?
Stay quiet during group discussions or meetings?
Do things you don’t really want to because you aren’t comfortable saying “no”?
Need to receive positive feedback in order to believe you’re doing a good job?
Agree with something that goes against your values or beliefs?
Not speak up if you’ve been treated unfairly?
Concede points, even when you truly believe you are correct?
Apologize when no apology is necessary?
If you said ‘yes’ to even a few of these, it’s likely that you tend to be a “people pleaser” - nervous to act true to yourself or to prioritize yourself by honoring what you think, feel and believe. Living your life from a fear of rejection or abandonment. And yet, imagine if you got used to living in a world of being praised for every accomplishment or effort. What would happen in other situations where you no longer received kudos for every job well done? It’s all about balance. Appreciating healthy positive feedback while not relying on outside approval for your self-worth and value.
HOW TO SELF-VALIDATE
Get to know yourself - What drives you? What are your values? What feels good?
Recognize specific situations/relationships where it would be nice to be validated from others.
Notice moments when you could just as easily validate yourself for your efforts and feel good.
Create an ongoing list of qualities you appreciate about yourself. Things you’ve done well, choices you are proud of, progress you’ve made, and characteristics you value about yourself.
Acknowledge when you judge your emotions. Remind yourself, “I have a right to feel this way”.
Notice your progress rather than whether you’ve achieved a big end goal. How much have you grown or improved? What steps have you taken?
Talk to yourself as you might a child or a loved one – show yourself appreciation and gratitude.
Use your own values as guide, rather than what other’s might think.
Take a break from social media.
When you can learn to rely on yourself instead of another person’s interpretation of you, your self-esteem will develop from the inside, not the outside. If you can accept your strengths and your flaws, you can change your false beliefs that other people’s feedback is more valuable than your own. You will see that you are enough, with or without external validation